


Hate Date

by weebish



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-19 20:13:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15517722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weebish/pseuds/weebish
Summary: Caliborn confesses his feelings for Dirk, but finds Dirk's reaction is not what he anticipated.





	1. Chapter 1

Caliborn had very high standards for a potential partner. Though there were many, _many_ people he hated, it took a very particular type of person to elicit feelings that were truly pitch. The person, he thought, had to be insufferably smug, a sharp-tongued pretty boy who couldn't go ten seconds without making some insipid remark he considered “witty”. Also, he typed in putrid orange text, the color of pumpkins, which were truly the nastiest of vegetables.

Yes, he had fallen hate over heels for Dirk Strider.

He had concocted an elaborate plan to reveal his stygian inclinations towards Dirk. This plan involved challenging Dirk to a game of chess. Once Caliborn thoroughly crushed him, the usually stoic boy would begin to feel hatred for the cherub stir in his heart. Then, they would fall deeply, passionately in hate.

But first, he needed to propose the game to Dirk. Now, to make Dirk agree to this game would not be an easy task. It required subtlety. Suaveness. The delivery, Caliborn thought, had to be absolutely perfect.

 

 undyingumbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified

 

uu: DIRK.

uu: DIRK DIRK DIRK DIRK. 

uu: I…

uu: WANT…

uu: TO…

TT: Dude, you're gonna say you want to play a game, right?

TT: Seriously, I don't know why you're bothering with these dramatic pauses and shit.

TT: You think I have all the goddamn time in the world, huh?

TT: Well, fucking shucks, buster, but you're gonna have to make a pretty convincing argument to make me part with my precious time.

TT: I got my hands full doing all this fucking nothing. You think I have time for you?

uu: YOuR WORDS. ARE LIKE YOuR TERRIBLE DRAWINGS.

uu: THEY FALL FLAT. 

uu: tumut 

TT: Are you implying that my artistic skills are subpar ?

TT: I'll have you know I sweat and bleed for my work.

TT: All to please you.

TT: And you call it subpar like it's a goddamn golfing tournament and my art skills are a drooling toddler who probably shouldn't even be holding the driver.

TT: You heartless fucker.

uu: DIRK. I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.

TT: Oh shit, you don't say.

TT: What kind do you have in mind?

TT: Cause I'll have you know I play a fucking mean game of Chutes and Ladders.

TT: I just keep climbing up that ladder like a goddamn fireman.

TT: Only difference is I'm starting those sick fires instead of dousing them.

TT: These fires leave the sort of burn that never heals 

TT: First degree

TT: Second degree

TT: college degree

TT: There's no limit to the degrees of burns, motherfucker.

uu: I AM uNFAMILIAR WITH YOuR PRIMITIVE HuMAN PASTIMES. 

uu: I AM TALKING ABOuT A GAME OF MINDS. 

TT: Shit, I'll bite.

TT: What kind of game of minds are you talking about?

uu: CHESS, DIRK. I AM INVITING YOU TO PLAY CHESS.

TT: You missed an lowercase u there.

uu: SHIT.

uu: I MEANT YOu.

TT: Well, shit, dude.

TT: I don't know if you got the memo, but we’re literally worlds away, assuming you're an alien like you say you are.

uu: I AM.

uu: WE WILL PLAY THIS MATCH. ONLINE.

uu: YOu WILL STRUGGLE. TO ESCAPE MY CRuSHING GRIP. AS I THOROuGHLY OWN YOuR ASS.

TT: Well, alright then.

TT: I had whole lot of plans involving sitting on my ass and doing nothing but I guess I'll clear my busy schedule for you.

uu: HA HA HA. YES.

[uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT].

 

 Caliborn smirked, fangs glistening in the room’s dim light. Dirk had fallen right into his trap, if traps left the trapper emotionally vulnerable and the trappee could opt out at any time.

 Soon, Strider would be his to hate.

  



	2. Chapter 2

undyingumbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

uu: DIRK.

uu: ARE YOu READY TO GET YOuR ASS HANDED TO YOu?

uu: BECAuSE THAT IS DEFINITELY WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

uu: I WILL LAuGH AS YOu WEEP.

uu: AND LAP uP THE SALTY HuMAN EYE SWEAT FROM YOuR CHEEKS.

TT: You bet I'm ready, bro.

T: I am so psyched to be gifted my own buttocks by an obnoxious alien troll, you wouldn’t even believe it.

uu: DIRK. I AM NOT A TROLL. I AM A *CHERuB*.

uu: WE LOOK PRETTY FuCKING DIFFERENT, YOu KNOW.

uu: OR MAYBE ALL “ALIENS” LOOK THE SAME TO YOu. YOu RACIST PIECE OF SHIT. 

TT: Dude.

TT: First of all, I have no idea what you look like, remember? 

TT: Or what cherubs as a species look like, for that matter.

TT: Second, a “troll” is a term used to describe someone who makes someone angry on purpose.

uu: SO I MAKE YOu ANGRY.

uu: GOOD. I CAN WORK WITH THAT.

TT: What do you mean?

uu: YOu’LL FIND OUT.

TT: That doesn't sound ominous.

TT: Anyway, what took you so long to ask me to play the game? It's been a week.

uu: FOR ME. IT HAS BEEN SECONDS.

uu: BuT I FIGuRED I WOuLD GIVE YOu A WEEK. TO PREPARE.

uu: SO. THE QUESTION REMAINS.

uu: ARE YOu READY TO BE COMPLETELY EMASCuLATED, DIRK.

TT: I was born ready.

 

Caliborn and Dirk then proceeded to have the most epic online chess battle in the history of Paradox space. Truly, some sincerely exceptional ownage was taking place.

 

Unfortunately, Caliborn found he was the one being owned.

 

TT: Huh. Using Assand’s gambit. That's a bold move.

uu: HA HA. YES. I AM DEFINITELY uSING THIS STRATEGY ON PuRPOSE.

uu: WHAT IS ASSAND’S GAMBIT.

TT: It’s when you play pathetically and lose all your pieces save for a pawn and a king, and then lose miserably once you lose your pawn.

TT: And rook to D4. You just lost your pawn. Checkmate.

uu: WHAT. THAT SOuNDS LIKE A TERRIBLE STRATEGY. WHO THE HELL IS ASSAND.

TT: You know, Assand. Assand Titties.

uu: THAT’S A StuPID NAME.

uu: OH. WAIT.

uu: YOu ARE MAKING A PuN BASED ON EROTIC FEMALE HuMAN BODY PARTS.

uu: HOW JuVENILE. 

TT: Pot. Kettle. Black.

uu: SAYING RANDOM WORDS WILL NOT CONFuSE ME.

 

Caliborn identified now as the time to make his move.

 

uu: ANYWAY. DIRK. THERE IS SOMETHING I WANT TO CONFESS TO YOu.

TT: Is it that you fucking suck at chess? Because, trust me, I already know.

uu: NO, YOu INCOMPETENT PINKISH SACK OF MEATFLESH.

uu: THIS IS SOMETHING SERIOUS.

TT: Dude, how bad you are at chess is no joke.

uu: SEE. IT’S SNIDE REMARKS LIKE THIS. YOu KNOW.

uu: IT’S WHY I HATE YOu.

uu: LIKE…

uu: ...HATE HATE YOu.

TT: Why’d you put hate twice?

TT: Oh. 

TT: Wait.

TT: Is this some fucked up alien romance thing?

uu: DING DING DING.

uu: WINNER, WINNER, CLuCKBEAST DINNER.

TT: Well, I’m flattered, but…

uu: BuT WHAT?

TT: I'm not interested. 

uu: ...WHAT?

uu: ARE YOu SAYING YOu DON’T HATE ME?

uu: THAT YOuR MEMORIES OF OuR TIME TOGETHER ARE NOT TAINTED BLACK?

uu: THAT YOuR HEART IS NOT SCORCHED BY MY FIRES OF PITCH PASSION?

TT: You're being really fucking annoying right now. Does that count?

uu: NO. IT’S NOT THE SAME.

uu: GOODBYE, DIRK.

 

undyingumbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT].

 

Caliborn stared at his screen dejectedly. He had put his heart on the line, only to have it crushed in Dirk’s pink meaty hands. However, he would survive this. He was strong. And, being of such emotional fortitude, he did the only logical course of action.

 

He bawled his eyes out.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Caliborn stared at the computer screen dejectedly, tears brimming in his bright red eyes. He had really put his spite-fueled, withered little heart on the line for that shades-wearing blonde douchebag, only to be, like so many afflicted with his unfortunate personality, completely and utterly rejected. 

He didn't understand why Dirk would not want to be in spades with him. He had a very hate-able personality, at least, everyone he interacted with told him so. His sister hated him, at least.

Wait, no. Not in that way. That would be weird. Wait, why did he feel the need to explain it wasn't in a pitch way? It was his own thoughts, it wasn't as if anyone else could tell what he was thinking. God, his brain was messed up. He resolved to stop thinking about a pitch romance with his sister, as the very idea made his stomach churn.

At any rate, it was clear that, despite being generally despicable, he needed to be hate-able in a way that was personally palatable to Dirk. The best way to do that, he thought, was to talk to Dirk’s mouth-breathing, idiot friends. Luckily, he knew exactly who to turn to.

The giant woman who made Paradox Space quake with each stomp of her feet, her mountains of fat wobbling as she toddled forward to do some stupid girl thing, like pillow fights, or crying. The gargantuan creature whose deep voice reverberated through the chilly air. The bitch whose formus was enormous.

 

unydingumbrage [uu] began jeering gutsyGumshoe [GG].

 

uu: JANE.

uu: JANE.

uu: JANE, ANSWER ME.

uu: JANE JANE JANE JANE JANE.

GG: Oh God, it's you again! I thought I blocked you!

GG: What do you want? Haven't you bullied me enough?

uu: CALM YOuR TITS, JANE.

uu: I KNOW YOu FEMALES ARE VERY EMOTIONAL,

uu: BuT YOu’RE JuST BEING FuCKING uNREASONABLE.

uu: I JUST HAVE SOME QuESTIONS ABOuT YOuR FRIEND DIRK.

uu: I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HE HATES.

uu: LIKE…

uu: WHAT WOuLD REALLY GET UNDER HIS SKIN.

GG: You're asking me to help you annoy Dirk? Why would I ever agree to help you with that?

uu: NO NO NO.

uu: JUST...NO, JANE.

uu: WHAT I WANT TO DO TO DIRK GOES *FAR* BEYOND ANNOY.

uu: YOu’RE A GIRL, SO I WOuLDN’T EXPECT YOu TO uNDERSTAND THE COMPLEX AND PASSIONATE RELATIONSHIPS SHARED BY MEN.

GG: Ugh! Why are you so sexist?

uu: WHAT? I’M NOT SEXIST.

uu: I AM THE LEAST SEXIST BEING TO EVER EXIST. YOu DuMB WHORE.

GG: I hate you, you know.

uu: SEE? 

uu: THAT’S EXACTLY THE FuCKING PROBLEM.

uu: EVERYONE HATES ME BuT HIM.

uu: I WANT TO BE IN SPADES WITH HIM.

uu: BuT HE REJECTED ME.

GG: Oh, is it one of those weird alien romance things?

GG: I don't think Dirk would be into that.

uu: WOW. 

uu: FIRST OF ALL. 

uu: WAY TO INSuLT MY FuCKING CuLTuRE BY CALLING IT “WEIRD”.

uu: YOu INSENSITIVE BITCH.

uu: SECOND. 

uu: I DON’T CARE IF HE’S “INTO” IT OR NOT. 

uu: I WANT HIM TO HATE ME BACK. 

uu: LIKE. HATE HATE ME.

GG: Wow, entitled much? How can you be so inconsiderate?

uu: JANE, I’M FLATTERED BY YOuR LuKEWaRM ATTEMPTS AT FLIRTING, BuT...NO.

uu: I MEAN, DON’T GET ME WRONG. YOu’RE KIND OF ATTRACTIVE. IN AN uGLY WAY.

GG: Gee, thanks.

uu: AND I DO FIND. YOuR GROTESQuELY ROTuND FORM. APPEALING.

GG: Excuse me?

uu: BuT I’M INTERESTED IN DIRK.

GG: Well, sucks to be you! I hate to break it to you, but Dirk’s interested in a relationship with Jake, not you! 

 

gutsyGumshoe [GG] blocked undyingumbrage [uu].

Caliborn supposed he could have circumvented the block, but he already had all the information he needed. Dirk was interested in that idiot Jake for some reason, so all he had to do was imitate Jake.

But what would he use as a basis? 

He pondered that for a moment, before realizing the perfect guide to use.

Calliope’s journal of “fan fiction”, he thought, would serve as the perfect guide.

He grinned, his hope for a future rel-hate-ionship with Dirk restored.

This was going to be easy.

 


	4. Chapter 4

OH SWEET MERCIFUL CHERUB BUDDHA WHY WAS THIS SO HARD.

 

Caliborn had been poring through his sister’s putrid self insert fanfiction for hours, and he still has only the foggiest idea of how he was supposed to act. Although there were quite a few stories involving Dirk and Jake, they were almost all red or pale, with almost nothing on the subject of blackrom. He turned back to one of the earlier stories and re-read it, hoping there was some vital clue to imitating Jake that he missed. He skimmed over the exposition, as well as the world and character building. Who cared about any of that crap? He just wanted to read the juicy stuff. He found a particularly debauched, sappy section and began to read.

 

_ Dirk dropped to one knee, clenching a scarlet rose in his pale fist. “Jake,” he said, dewdrops forming in his sunset eyes, “What I've been trying to tell you is that I love you, damn it!” _

 

_ Jake’s emerald orbs widened in surprise. He took a step back. “Wait, Dirk, what are you saying?” he whispered. _

 

_ Crystalline tears rolling down his cheeks, Dirk tenderly placed the rose in Jake's hand. _

 

_ Jake’s eyes shifted nervously. “Well, Dirk, I'm not sure not to feel about this. It's not every day your best bro tells you he loves you, you know?” _

_ “God, this was a stupid idea. I never should have told you. I should have just kept it to myself and-” _

 

_ Jake cut off his rambling by locking his lips against his. Dirk, after getting over his initial shock, closed his eyes and returned the kiss. _

 

Oh yes. This was getting juicy. However, as entertaining as this shit was to read, it had no educational value whatsoever. He was just as clueless as how to pursue Dirk’s hate as he was before reading this stuff.

 

_ Jake pulled away. “Does this-does this mean you feel the same way?” Dirk asked breathlessly. _

 

_ Jake avoided Dirk’s eyes. _

 

_ “Wellllll...no. Not really. I just figured, since you're my best bro and all, I’d give it a shot, but...I didn't really feel anything. Sorry,” he apologized. _

 

_ Dirk turned red. He felt humiliated for letting his guard down, and bitter towards Jake for toying with his emotions in such a way. _

 

Wait wait wait. Hold the phone. Bitterness was like hate, right? So all he had to do was break Dirk’s heart, and he’d have a one-way ticket to Hate-snog City.

Caliborn finally understood. To make Dirk feel pitch for him, he had to elicit red feelings first. Clearly, the best way to accomplish that was to imitate who he already had red feelings for.

 

Jake English. The bumbling buffoon who jacked his swagger with his stupid skull helmet. For whatever reason, Dirk found this useless pretty boy attractive, so learning to act like him would be Caliborn’s best bet.

 

undyingumbrage [uu] began jeering golthagasTerror [GT].

 

uu: JAKE.

uu: AS uNLIKELY AS THIS SOuNDS.

uu: GIVEN THAT I AM SuPERIOR TO YOu IN PRACTICALLY EVERY WAY.

uu: I NEED YOuR ADVICE.

uu: ON HOW TO ACT. MORE LIKE *YOu*.

T: Well, hello!

GT: I must say, I'm positively chuffed that you've decided to take pointers on how to be a gentleman from me!

uu: CHuFFED. 

GT: You know, pleased. Elated. Gay, if you will.

uu: AH, YES. I AM QuITE GAY AS WELL.

uu: BuT YOu KNOW. WHAT MAKES ME REALLY GAY.

uu: YOuR PAL DIRK.

GT: Ah.

GT: I see.

uu: ESPECIALLY.

uu: THE THOuGHT OF HIS INSuFFERABLE SMuG FACE.

uu: POuNDED INTO THE PAVEMENT BY YOuRS TRuLY.

GT: Well, I'm certainly not going to help you do that!

uu: EW.

uu: FIRST OF ALL.

uu: LIKE I WOuLD WANT YOu TO.

uu: I’M A ONE MAN KIND OF CHERuB, JAKE.

uu: ALL YOu NEED TO DO.

uu: IS TELL ME HOW TO ACT LIKE YOu.

uu: OR ELSE IT WILL BE YOuR FACE SMASHED INTO THE PAVEMENT.

uu: IN A TOTALLY PLATONIC WAY.

GT: All right then!

GT: So, it seems to me like you want to learn how to be a proper gentleman!

GT: Well, the first piece of advice I can give you is to be chivalrous. 

uu: CHIVALWHAT.

GT: It’s like a code of conduct for all gentlemanly bros!

GT: Generally, it revolves around giving respect to your lady friends. Like, in my case, Jane and Roxy.

uu: AH YES.

uu: THE FAT BITCH AND THE LESS FAT BITCH.

GT: See, that's exactly the sort of thing you want to avoid!

GT: Your female friends should be treated with the utmost respect as equals!

uu: YOu’RE JOKING. 

GT: No, that's precisely it!

GT: Second, you need to be ready to protect the weak!

GT: Be willing to engage in a good old fashioned fisticuffs every now and then, you know?

uu: OH MY SWEET CHERuB JESuS.

uu: THIS IS SO BORING.

uu: GET TO THE GOOD STuFF ALREADY.

uu: THE KIND OF STuFF DIRK LIKES.

GT: I'm not sure what you mean.

uu: I WANTED TO LEARN HOW TO ACT LIKE YOu.

uu: BuT ALL I'VE LEARNED. 

uu: IS BORING uSELESS SHIT.

GT: Well, I'm rather flabbergasted to hear that!

uu: FLABBERWHATTHEFuCK.

uu: WAIT.

uu: MAYBE IT’S THIS.

uu: THIS SAYING NONSENSE BuLLSHIT WORDS.

uu: THIS TERRIBLE POLITE “GENTLEMAN” CRAP.

uu: AND ALSO BEING KIND OF GOOD LOOKING.

GT: Well, thank you!

uu: SHuT uP.

uu: THAT MuST BE WHAT DIRK LIKES.

uu: WHAT MAKES HIM *GAY*, IF YOU WILL.

uu: THANK YOu, JAKE.

uu: I SuPPOSE THIS WAS NOT A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. 

 

undyingumbrage [uu] ceased jeering golthagasTerror [GT].


	5. Chapter 5

Black wig. Check.  
Glasses. Check.  
Skull shirt. Check.  
Repertoire of nonsensical words. 

Double fucking check.

Caliborn had collected all the necessary components of his Jake disguise, or his “cosplay”, as his sister called it. He supposed he didn't technically need the costume, as the messages were sent through text and not through video chat, but it certainly didn't hurt. If anything, he liked to think it helped him get in character. After all, the person he was imitating was rather obnoxious, a trait so foreign to Caliborn’s personality that he could use all the help he could get when it came to successfully playing the part.

He touched up his face paint and readjusted his wig. 

Finally, he was ready.

undyingumbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT].

uu: WELLY WELL WELL.  
uu: FANCY SEEING YOu HERE. DIRK.  
TT: You can't see me, bro.  
TT: Fuck, do you even know what I look like?  
uu: YES.  
uu: FROM READING MY SISTER’S TERRIBLE FANFIC.  
uu: I HAVE A DECENT GRASP OF YOuR APPEARANCE.  
uu: HOWEVER.  
uu: NOW THAT I THINK ABOuT IT.  
uu: A PICTuRE OF YOu WOuLD BE NICE.  
TT: You're kidding.  
uu: I’M NOT A KID.  
uu: I’M ELEVEN uNITS OLD, DAMN IT.  
TT: So, you're telling me you're an eleven year old? And you hit on me?  
TT: That's just messed up, dude.  
TT: Makes all kinds of sense though, now that I think about it.  
TT: The terrible insults. The stupid “quirk”, or whatever you call it.  
TT: It’s all coming together.  
uu: ELEVEN *uNITS* OLD. NOT YEARS.  
uu: IN *YOuR* UNITS, I’M YOuR AGE.  
TT: Oh.  
uu: ANYWAY.  
uu: DIRK.

Caliborn prepared to send his whopper of a kind. It was the one phrase that would, without fail, capture the heart of the man, woman, or nonbinary bird/cat hybrid of your desires. 

He took a deep breath and pressed send.

uu: SEND PICS.

Hell. Yes.

TT: Well, fuck.  
TT: You're just so charming, I guess I don't have a choice.  
TT: Here.  
[TT has sent an attachment.]  
uu: OKAY.  
uu: FIRST OF ALL.  
uu: YOu ARE NOT IN THIS PICTuRE.  
TT: Oh, you wanted a picture of me.  
uu: YES.  
uu: DO NOT BE COY, DIRK.  
uu: YOu KNOW WHAT I MEANT.  
TT: Yeah, no.  
uu: WHAT.  
uu: DIRK. I WANT TO SEE YOUR SPARKLING SUNSET ORBS.  
TT: My what now?

Caliborn now realized he was failing terribly at imitating Jake.

uu: UM.  
uu: SO.  
uu: HOW ARE YOu DOING. BRO.  
TT: More like, who am I doing?  
TT: Which is no one, because I'm smack in the middle of the fucking ocean with only one other human left on the entire planet.  
TT: How are you?  
uu: I’M FEELING POSITIVELY FuCKING CHuFFED.  
TT: You don't say.  
uu: I ALSO RESPECT WOMEN, DIRK.  
uu: I JuST RESPECT THOSE BITCHES SO DAMN MUCH.  
uu: JUST BEING ALL CHIVALROuS AND SHIT.  
uu: I’M EMOTIONALLY PERSPIRING JUST THINKING ABOuT IT.  
TT: I see.  
uu: DIRK.  
uu: WOuLD YOu LIKE TO SEE A PICTuRE. OF ME.  
[uu has sent an attachment.]  
TT: Huh.  
TT: I didn't expect you to have black hair.  
TT: Or glasses.  
TT: Or a skull shirt.  
TT: If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to imitate Jake.  
TT: And, as it happens, I don't know better.  
TT: Caliborn, why are you trying to copy Jake.

Fuck. Not only was Dirk not swooning, he saw right through his elaborately concocted ruse. 

uu: OKAY.  
uu: I’M GOING TO BE STRAIGHT WITH YOu.  
TT: Straight? That's funny.  
TT: Because nothing about our interactions for the last week have been straight.  
uu: I MAY HAVE BEEN IMITATING JAKE IN AN ATTEMPT TO WIN YOU OVER. IN THE *RED* WAY.  
TT: So like, normal human love? I thought you wanted to go on some weird alien hate date with me or something.  
uu: I DID.  
uu: I MEAN. I DO.  
uu: I WAS GOING TO BREAK YOuR HEART SO YOu WOuLD START TO HATE ME BACK.  
uu: …  
uu: THIS ISN’T GOING TO WORK OUT, IS IT.  
TT: No.

Caliborn, at his wit’s end, decided to use his last resort: begging.

uu:DIRK.  
uu: PLEASE.  
uu: PRETTY PLEASE WITH CANDY ON TOP.  
TT: Lemme think about that.  
TT: Still no.  
uu: DIRK.  
uu: THIS IS GOING TO SOuND WEIRD.  
uu: HOWEVER. I THINK IT NEEDS TO BE SAID.  
uu: I’VE NEVER REALLY FELT THIS WAY BEFORE.  
uu: LIKE, EVERY BOY DREAMS OF FINDING A HATE-PARTNER, RIGHT?  
uu: BuT I NEVER THOuGHT I WOuLD FIND SOMEONE LIKE THAT.  
uu: A RELATIONSHIP ISN’T JuST ABOUT HATE, DIRK.  
uu: IT’S ALSO ABOUT GRuDGING RESPECT.  
uu: AND BESIDES YOu, THERE’S NO ONE I RESPECT.  
uu: I MEAN, WHO ELSE WOuLD I CHOOSE? MY SISTER?  
uu: GOD, THAT’D BE WIERD. EW.  
uu: WAIT, WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOuT MY SISTER?  
TT: You’re the only one one doing the talking, dude.  
uu: OH. RIGHT.  
uu: BUT ANYWAY. DIRK.  
uu: I DON’T THINK I’LL EVER FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN, ABOuT ANYONE ELSE.  
uu: SO PLEASE.  
uu: JuST THINK ABOuT IT.

There was a lengthy pause as Caliborn waited for a response.

uu: DIRK?  
TT: I’m thinking.

Another pause.

TT: You know what, fuck it.  
TT: I’ll be your hate date or whatever.  
uu: WAIT, REALLY?  
uu: OH.  
uu: OH WOW.  
uu: I DIDN’T EXPECT THAT TO WORK.  
uu: YEAH, SO. UM.  
uu: THANKS?  
uu: YOu WON’T REGRET THIS.  
TT: I already do. But I’m a man of my word.

undyingumbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT].

 

Caliborn leaned back in his seat, satisfied by the fruits of his labor. Finally, he had secured a relationship with Dirk. As he grinned eerily, only one word was on his mind:

Hell Yeah.

Wait, fuck. That was two words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading, I hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! I plan to continue this story, and, if it gets enough positive feedback, maybe even turn it into a longer series! I couldn't figure out some of the pesterlog formatting, but I tried my best. Thanks for reading!


End file.
